Holy Smoke and Sweet Desire

Operator:  This is the 911 operator.  What is your emergency?

Caller:  Yes, I’d like to report a haunting.

Operator:  Excuse me? Did you say you wish to report a taunting?  Is someone mocking you, sir?

Caller:  No, no one has been mocked. I want to report a haunting. You know, like a ghost?

Operator:  I see. Sir, 911 is traditionally used to report emergencies that occur in the corporeal world only.  You sound like you need to report an otherworldly incident, for which there is no established department.  I’m going to hang up now…

Caller: No, wait! Please, I have to tell someone.  It’s late and I don’t know who else to call.

Operator: (audible groan followed by short exhalation of breath) Fine. Thank you for calling 911. What is your emergency?

Caller: Well, it’s not an emergency, per se, but it is weird.

Operator: Alright, what sort of weirdness do you wish to report?

Caller:  Thanks a lot. I really appreciate what you are doing.

Operator:  Please get on with your spooky tale.

Caller:  Right.  My call is regarding the ghosts I saw coming out of a newspaper machine.  It was on Lunt, right by the El station.  Do you know the area?

Operator:  I am familiar with Rogers Park, thank you.

Caller: Great.  I was driving west on Lunt, when I saw the door of the newspaper machine open, all of its own accord.  Then I saw wisps of white smoke emerge from the machine.  Actually, the wisps were white with pink outlines.  They looked more defined than smoke.  I guess you could call them vaporous apparitions.

Operator:  Where did you learn that term, vaporous apparitions?

Caller:  Oh, I don’t remember.  I probably read it online.  Why?

Operator:  No reason.  Just curious, I guess.

Caller:  Should I continue or do you have another question?

Operator: No, go ahead.  I’m sorry I interrupted.

Caller: It’s okay.  Please hold your questions until the end of my call.

Operator:  Of course.

Caller:  Thank you.  Now, these ghosts, for lack of a better term, were not frightening in the least.  I just watched as they gently emerged from the newspaper machine, one after the other.  It was totally captivating, like watching a Turkish dream.  I continued to watch these pink and white editions of the Tribune waft into the sky.  It looked like jellyfish or elephants were coming out of nowhere and drifting off to who knows where?  Maybe they were en route via the newspaper machine, which served as a portal, to an unearthly dimension. It’s possible they were just stepping out for the evening. I don’t really know. Then, they stopped coming out and the door shut.

Operator:  May I ask a question?

Caller:  Okay, but make it relevant.

Operator: Naturally.  How long would you say this experience lasted? 

Caller:  I was so focused on this strange occurrence, such a part of this happening that I could not even guess how long I was there.  Actually, I can give you a rough time estimate.  I looked for parking without success and eventually just gave up, parking illegally.  The $50.00 ticket was cited at 6:12 a.m. and I was inside well before 6 a.m.  The spectral incident was probably shorter than it seemed. But, that's not the point.  The point is that it happened and it happened to me.  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Operator:  Do you like malt liquor?

Caller: Sure, who doesn’t?

Operator:  Well, my shift is done and do you know what I like to do at the end of my shift?

Caller:  No, what do you like to do?

Operator:  I like to get a 40 of Crazy Horse and go the Planetarium and watch the sun rise.  I always time it so that I finish my bottle just as the sun starts to come over the horizon.  Then I hurl my empty at the sun, hoping to knock it back into yesterday.  I’d like to take the sun down a peg, always shinning and bright. Like its saying, look at me! I’m the biggest ball of hydrogen in the universe. I always miss and the sun always comes up. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to knock the sun out of the sky with a bottle.  Do you want to try and stop tomorrow with me?

Caller:  That sounds nice.  I’ll get the Crazy Horse.

Operator:  How sweet!  I’ll pick you up.

Caller:  But you don’t know where I live.

Operator:  Stay where you are. I traced your call.

Caller:  What a clever lady you are!

Operator: What a nice man you are!

Everybody: What a wonderful world!

(Call terminated)